5 Months Old!

Name: Kennedy Faith

How old: Five month and three weeks

 

Nicknames: She really doesn’t have a true nickname.  D calls her little girlie a lot. She gets called “sweetheart”, “sweat pea”, “pumkin” “little bit”, “peanut”, and my sister calls her “nugget”.  I call her “buddy” a lot lately or “little buddy”. But nothing consistent. She knows her real name now so we try to just use it.

Stats: Not really sure! I would guess 13-14lbs, but I am not sure.

Clothes/Diapers: She is finally size 2 diapers. She starting wearing them not long after she turned 5 months.  She is wearing 3 month clothes, with very few 6 month clothes.  Some 0-3 still fit, but most don’t.

Eating: Eating is still going great. All breastmilk still, with some bottles. August 4 she got her first real food! We gave her bananas and I am pretty sure she thinks she is in heaven when she gets to eat.  Her faces are the best.  Tonight (Aug. 8) we gave her sweet potatoes for the first time and I think she likes them even better.

Sleeping: Sleep is still going well for the most part.  She sleeps from 9/10-4/5 most nights and then til 7/8.  We have been traveling a ton this month again, so that can mess her up some. She naps now for 2 long naps usually with a short one around 6/7.  The two longer naps are really nice for me with working.

Likes: Loves going to the pool and playing in the water.  The bath is great. She loves it when I take a bath with her. We have given her a few showers as well and she thinks that’s really fun. Play mat is still huge hit. Standing! This little girl refuses to sit down much. She always has to be standing. She has really discovered the dogs lately and loves to pet them.  Thankfully they seem to like her too. Being naked!  She laughs and smiles and is overall a happy baby. Her new trick this month is sitting alone. She can sit alone for about as long as she wants now.  She takes her toy box/bucket and goes through it and picks out which toy she wants.  It’s really cute.

Dislikes: Being left alone. She does not really like to be in a room alone. If there is music on she is good, but quiet in the room alone is not her favorite. When bath time is over. She will cry a lot when the tub is out of water. It’s really cute.

Undecided about: She seems to either love something or hate it.  Not much in between right now. The main thing is kisses from mom or dad.  She either laughs a ton or screams. So who knows there.

Milestones: Rolling consistently from stomach to back.  She can roll back to front but screams when she does. She doesn’t want on her stomach and hasn’t figured out she can just go back to her back. Sitting alone! In the last week she has been sitting alone a lot.  She cackles a ton now. She had been laughing, but now she really cackles. Standing a lot. If she is on the couch or her little chair she can do it alone, but not on the floor for very long. She is really trying to pull up now as well.  Very vocal, I mean she has always been, but now even more.

Fun Events: 

  • We went to Tennessee again. D and I went to a wedding and she stayed with my parents at my grandparents Thursday-Sunday morning.  We picked her up for the day Friday, but she stayed with them at night. It went great. It was fun to have some us time and time with friends. I am pretty sure though she had the most fun.
  • We just spent a week at the beach with my family.  She had a blast at the beach and in the water.  My nieces were there as well so she loved that.

Looking forward to: Just getting to know this little girl better and seeing her personality come out more and more.  She “talks” all the time so I can’t wait to know what all she is really saying. Kennedy and I are flying to my sister’s for her birthday this Friday! Praying she does well on the flight.

Not looking forward to: She is growing up so fast! I just can’t believe it has been three months. Slow down time! I am looking forward to it all though! Mixed feelings about going back to work this month.  I miss being in the office some, but I know I will miss her too.  Worried a little bit about my milk supply at work.  When we were in Nashville my supply tanked. It has taken about 2 weeks to get it back to normal. So just praying that while I work it stays up.

Here are a few pictures from this month!

 

I am angry and I remember 

Life with a baby after an infant loss. We all hear about. We all talk about it before the baby comes. But what about once the baby is born? We assume that the parents are healed. They have a baby so all is good now right? Wrong! So very wrong! 

Life after an infant loss is at times impossible. Yes, it was impossible at times before having another baby. But it is still impossible at times after. For me, the anger is worse. After Jackson was born I wasn’t angry very much or for very long. Now I find myself angry much more often than I like. 

I am angry that I never got to bring him home. 

I am angry I never got to hear his cry. 

I am angry I never knew what color his eyes were. 

I am angry I never got to feed him. 

I am angry I never got to proudly show him off to friends and family. 

I am angry Kennedy never got to meet him. 

I am angry that as my sister plans her wedding she doesn’t have a ring bearer when she should have a 3 year old nephew who is the perfect age. 

I am angry that yesterday was his birthday and most people forgot. 

I am angry that people think his birthday isn’t a big deal now because we have Kennedy. 

I am angry at the people who say “but this year is easier because Kennedy is here”. 

I am angry that my daughter will learn about death at a young age. 

I am angry that I am angry still. 

3 years ago today I held my son for the last time. I watched as his little heart stopped beating and knew he was gone. No mom should ever hold their child while they die. 

3 years later I can still remember every detail of that day and the days that followed.

I can remember the names of the nurses. 

I can remember what I ate that day. 

I can remember what I wore home from the hospital. 

I can remember just wanting to go home, but literally being stuck on an elevator with a new mom and her brand new baby girl. 

I can remember crying the entire ride home. 

I can remember crawling into bed with my 3 dogs and husband and crying like I have never cried. 

I can remember showering for the first time and making DeWayne come get me because I couldn’t handle looking down at where my belly had been to only see a flat stomach. 

I can remember that I didn’t speak a word to anyone but DeWayne but days. 

I can remember watching the Britah Open for the next 4 days. 

I can remember watching the ESPYs and trying to enjoy them. 

I can remember exactly what I laughed at the first time and how I cried after because it was too soon to laugh. 

I can remember picking the outfit, via text, that he would be buried in. 

I can remember the day of his funeral and telling DeWayne I can’t go that I physically couldn’t do it. 

I can remember just crying and saying I miss him. 

I can remember taking more Benadryl than probably recommended just so I would sleep. 

I can remember every word we said to him at his funeral before we got in the truck and drove away. 

Having Kennedy is a miracle. But having her doesn’t mean I forget all of the pain and the heartache. Having her doesn’t mean I have forgotten or will ever forget him. So no this year these two days haven’t been easier. And you know what next year they probably won’t be either. 

Living after you bury your child is different. You are changed. You are not the same person you were before them. Just as you are not the same person after you bring your baby home. I am different today than I was July 15, 2013. July 16, 2013 and July 17, 2013 forever changed who I am. There will always be the Caroline before Jackson and the Caroline after Jackson. 

And you know what that’s ok. 

Happy 3rd Birthday Jackson 

Happy 3rd Birthday Jackson Dean! Everyday I miss you and wish you were here to play and grow with your baby sister. We wish you could have stayed longer, but we know we will see you again one day and we will all be together as a family. For today we stop and celebrate you and the fact that you are and will forever be our oldest child, Kennedy’s big brother, and a perfect little boy. Your sister made you a beautiful birthday card today. Your Amma (Cherry) decorated your final resting place since mommy and daddy could not go today. Tonight we will, as we do every year, stop and eat ice cream and have an earthly party for you while you have the most amazing party in Heaven. I love you Jackson!

Kennedy’s Newborn Pictures

Yes I know my daughter is almost 5 months old, but I realized I never posted her newborn pictures.  We waited a few weeks to take them since she was so small and we didn’t need to introduce her to additional germs.

I love these pictures and am so thankful we have them.  Pictures, if you haven’t noticed, are extremely important to me.  We just had more family pictures taken last weekend and we plan to keep taking them every few months for the first year and then at least once after that. DeWayne knew when we got married how much I loved pictures, professional ones specifically.  When we had been married about 2 years we had professional pictures done of just the two us.  I promised DeWayne then that we would not do anymore until a baby. We never got to do professional ones with Jackson, which I regret. DeWayne hates doing them still, but admits they are important and we will keep doing them forever!

Another thing I love about these pictures: the fantastic couple who took them! A lot of you know this couple too! Anna over at Southern Fertility and her husband Matt took these pictures as well as her 4 month ones.  Anna and Matt have become friends of ours through both of our journeys with infertility and IVF.  We love when they come to town and we get to go out to dinner. The ability to chat with another Christian couple about the heartache, struggle, and frustration of infertility and IVF is a huge blessing.  Now we are able to talk about pregnancy and help them plan for their little one! If you live in MS and are ever looking for someone to take pictures I highly recommend them.

Enjoy and I will try not to wait 4 months to post her 4 month pictures.

4 Months Old!

Name: Kennedy Faith

How old: Four month and three week (when I published this, but I have worked on it for weeks!!!)

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Nicknames: She really doesn’t have a true nickname.  D calls her little girlie a lot. She gets called “sweetheart”, “sweat pea”, “pumkin” “little bit”, “peanut”, and my sister calls her “nugget”.  But nothing consistent. She is starting to recognize her name. Her real name that is!

Stats: At exactly 4 months she was 12lbs 2oz., 22.75 inches long. Unfortunately a few days later she got really sick and dropped down to 11lbs 8oz.  She seems to have gained it back plus some. She seems longer as well.

Clothes/Diapers: She is still in size 0-3 months with some 3 months. Most of her 3 months still seem to fit big which is weird.  Her diapers are size 1 and have been since the end of 3 months.

Eating: Eating is still going great. All breastmilk still, with some bottles. She has extended her eating to every 3 hours or so during the day.  She is a really quick eater, but when I pump I have noticed I am done fast too. I guess it is just the flow.

Sleeping: Finally!!!! Once she hit 4 months she was really sick (102 fever, breathing treatments, steroid shots, lots of throwing up, aka not fun) so sleeping was nonexistent.  However, over the last 1.5-2 weeks it has been much improved. She goes to sleep around 9:30/10 and sleeps til 2:00-4:00 and sometimes 5:00. Then wakes up and eats and sleeps til 8/9.  If she wakes up at 2ish then she gets up to eat around 5/6.  So we are down to 2 wake ups per night. Big improvement from every 2 hours like it was the end of 3 months.

Likes: Loves going to the pool and playing in the water.  The bath is great. She loves it when I take a bath with her. Play mat is still huge hit. Standing! This little girl refuses to sit down much. She always has to be standing. She has really discovered the dogs lately and loves to pet them.  Thankfully they seem to like her too. Being naked!  She laughs and smiles and is overall a happy baby.

Dislikes: Being left alone. She does not really like to be in a room alone. If there is music on she is good, but quiet in the room alone is not her favorite. When bath time is over. She will cry a lot when the tub is out of water. It’s really cute.

Undecided about: She seems to either love something or hate it.  Not much in between right now.

Milestones: Rolling consistently from stomach to back.  She can roll back to front but screams when she does. She doesn’t want on her stomach and hasn’t figured out she can just go back to her back. Sitting alone! In the last week she has been sitting alone a lot.  She cackles a ton now. She had been laughing, but now she really cackles. Sleeping in her crib in her room! Big deal people! Standing a lot. If she is on the couch or her little chair she can do it alone, but not on the floor for very long.

Fun Events: Oh man we have done a lot since the last update:

  • 2 trips to Nashville. We saw my grandparents both times as well as my aunt, uncle, and cousins.  We stayed with some friends and she did great. My aunt, uncle, and cousins also babysat one night so I could go to dinner with friends. They were the first beside my parents to keep her. We all did great.
  • I went on a girl’s trip to the beach. My MIL and D’s aunt came to stay with her.  I had a lot of anxiety going into it and she happened to get sick right when I was leaving. I ended up going for a much shorter trip, but she did great.
  • Our friends from Atlanta came for Memorial Day and we had a blast. She loves people so anytime there is anyone new she is happy.
  • We took a day trip to Birmingham and went to the outlets (the 3 of us). It was really fun to go and have fun as a family.
  • I had to work in Jackson one week for a few days, so my mom came and we stayed in a hotel for 2 nights with her.  Overall, she did well. She had some great grandma time.
  • July 4th we went to my parent’s in Ga and she loved it. We went out on the boat and went to the pool. She was one tired baby when we got home.

Looking forward to: Just getting to know this little girl better and seeing her personality come out more and more.  She “talks” all the time so I can’t wait to know what all she is really saying. Several more fu trips planned in July so I can’t wait for those. We will see my nieces at the end of the month. My sister also got engaged recently! Excited to spend time with her planning the wedding. Kennedy and I will be traveling a lot to her soon.

Not looking forward to: She is growing up so fast! I just can’t believe it has been three months. Slow down time! I am looking forward to it all though! August I go back to work 2 days a week in the office. I have only had 3 days off since she was born, but I have only been required to be in the office one day plus the 2 days in Jackson.  Thankfully a friend from church will watch her one day a week and since D works 4 10 hour days he will watch her the other.  I have mixed feelings about work, but that’s a whole other post.

Here are a few pictures from this month!

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